Today is our 32 week gestational age target. It’s bittersweet to arrive on this day without Joshua; he, Daniel, and I spent every moment together for so long. I miss him with every breath I take.

Our fetal surgeon said Joshua should be alive. He was mature enough, big enough/weighed enough, his heart defects weren’t an issue after he was born – we had won. We had made it to healthy viability. Our boys were strong and ready for life on the outside of the womb. But tragically, the TTTS event that happened with no warning had reversed the umbilical flows and bombarded Joshua’s body without mercy. Being the smaller twin, he sustained more damage than Daniel but to be clear, we were only a small window of time from losing them both. Joshua rallied after birth and appeared stable, but within 24 hours the damage was revealed. The knowledge that if we’d delivered them one day earlier, Joshua would be here with us right beside his beautiful brother, is heartbreak upon heartbreak for me. The reality that we acted on my intuition of something wrong and were able to save Daniel does little to soothe my fractured soul or fill the enormous void in our lives where Joshua belongs. We are without a doubt eternally grateful to have a chance to love Daniel, kiss his owiees, hear his laughter, and see him grow. Little Daniel who kept his brother alive during the entire pregnancy is the tiny hero of this story. We are blessed to have had the opportunity to meet Joshua however briefly, hold him, kiss him, and tell him how much we love him. We’ll forever see his sweet face every time we look into Daniel’s eyes; his identical twin, perfect mirror images of each other.